The 69 best dick jokes: Funny joke book

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Why did the tailor disregard the slogan “Don’t be silly, wrap your willy”? Because he believed in the perfect fit of his tailored suit! When I die, I want to go peacefully in my sleep like my grandpa did, not screaming and shouting like his passengers. Suddenly, a gopher pops up out of the ground, grabs the ball in its mouth, and takes off toward the hole. When it’s about halfway there, a hawk swoops down out of the sky, grabs the gopher in its talons, and starts flying toward the hole. Why girls don't have willys Little brother came into the kitchen and declared "mom, now I know why girls don't have willys! They fall off, and I found yours under your pillow" His next shot is even further off. “Jesus Christ! Missed again.” The man yells in anger. The priest explains again, how the man mustn’t use the Lord’s name in vain.

So I’ll try to listen to how people speak, hear the words they choose and see how that can be turned around, and reverse engineer a joke out of that.” ‘Stand on stage and see if they laugh’

Tributes paid after former England and Barcelona manager Terry Venables passes away

Who is it?” “It’s Mark” Jesus opens the door. “What did you bring Mark?” “Marijuana from Colombia” “Very well son, come in.” There ́s no way she believed you!” He shakes his head again. “How old did you tell her you were, then?” What did the cowboy say when someone questioned his decision not to wrap his willy? “Don’t worry, partner. My horse keeps the snakes away!”

Instead, it seems the famous feud has quietened down for a more wholesome message. After being presented with the cheese to the factory, Kevin asks the wholesome question 'can I share my good fortune with everyone?'. The ad concludes with the charming closing message 'Seasonal goodwill was truly in the air as Christmas is a time that's sweeter when you share'. I’m very old now and I’ve got a body like a dropped lasagne. Women now look at my naked body in the same fearful way that pensioners look at snow.” – Frankie Boyle (Photo: BBC) Two cows are grazing in a field. One cow says to the other, "You ever worry about that mad cow disease?" The other cow says, "Why would I care? I'm a helicopter!" Who said that?” The burglar shines his flashlight around the room and sees a parrot in the corner of the room. “It’s me, Moses,” the parrot says. The burglar breathes a sigh of relief and says “What kind of idiot names his parrot Moses?” The parrot answers “The same kind of idiot that names his Rottweiler Jesus.”What did the gardener say to his rake? “Don’t be silly, wrap your tines, Willy! We don’t want any garden scratches!”

I got my son a trampoline for his birthday. The ungrateful boy sat in his wheelchair the hole time! He then got up and just left my apartment. He’s been ignoring my calls since last night. And texted me to not come over until tomorrow morning (2 nights from the argument), he said he’s not breaking up with me but he just needs to cool down for the rest of the day. A man was leaving the grocery store when he tripped and fell into a puddle. “Jesus Christ, God Almighty!” he exclaimed. At the same moment, a priest was nearby and said “What did you say?” If they’re making cakes for divorces, why not ‘Happy Menopause!’ ‘Mmm, it’s a bit dry. Why is there no jam? Have you run out of eggs?’ – Russell Howard Now that I’m getting older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe a career as a tour guide was’t such a good idea.I bought a box of condoms earlier today. The cashier asked if I’d like a bag. I said “no, I’ll just turn the lights off.” Did you know you can actually listen to the blood in your veins? You just have to listen varicosely. His friends are amazed. “How did you convince her to marry you?” “It’s simple”, he said. “I lied about my age”.