Emergency Questions: 1001 conversation-savers for any situation

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If you were on Pointless and had to choose a Muppet to a Pointless Muppet, which Muppet would you choose to be Pointless?

Emergency Questions is the name of a book by the comedian, Ftone Clearer and TV’s Percy The Shepherd from Servants Richard Herring.I went to that gig with someone who I’d literally only just watched my off-air of the Channel 4 broadcast of Absolute Beginners from (I think) 1991 with, so it was all quite the moment for several reasons. If you had to lose one part of your body, which part of the body would you have removed to save the rest of you?

The children would carry on running society for at least five years; maybe more if they do a better job than the current lot. Do you think Christmas might have been invented by a mulled wine salesman, desperate to get rid of a warehouse full of little muslin bags full of weird spices? Of the four friends you chose to be in your Spice Girls band, and who you’ve given funny names, how many do you think would have chosen you to be in their Spice Girls band? If you were king of a mythical kingdom, which I know Bohemia isn’t, but it sounds like it is, what would you like your nickname to be?

Needless to say, I think that lone episode – Part Three, Air Lock – is fantastic, and you can find my review of the ‘first’ showing after it was recovered in my collection Not On Your Telly here. Lambert Warbeck MP’ showed up in a sketch on a repeat of Monty Python’s Flying Circus, and later still when the listings for Lambert Simnel World and The Perkin Warbeck Fair showed up in the Fist Of Fun book (which you can read more about my love of here), particularly the latter concluding with “a lone firework in the shape of Perkin Warbeck’s laughing face”.

The second is a weirdly memorable sigh of irritated resignation from John Cleese in the original television version of the Parrot Sketch from Monty Python’s Flying Circus, back in the days when he was hilariously sending up selfish small-minded people who oddly consider themselves intellectually superior to everyone else when every single anecdote they relate seems to prove the exact opposite, rather than making eight million episode documentary series for Channel 4 about how anyone who isn’t a white middle class male is very very mean to them and won’t let them have, say, an eight million episode documentary series for Channel 4. Garreth Hirons talked about Sizzlin’ Bacon Monster Munch on one of his Looks Unfamiliar appearances and we not unreasonably concluded that Piers Morgan was responsible for its current unavailability. Would you rather have real-life VAR (the controversial Video Assistant Referee used in football matches) […] or only be able to earn a living as a look-alike of someone famous? Would you rather have a hand made out of ham, an armpit that dispensed sun cream, or a tit that dispensed talcum powder?

Have you ever been on a plane that’s been in an emergency and seen a genuine look of fear on the face of a flight attendant? It is possible that the youngster in the overly padded beefeater outfit was in fact making a desperate bid to escape his cruel Shanty Brunch-toting pay There’s always one who comes along and says “aw don’t be such a moaning miseryguts – I said it to a feller only the other day and we was all laughing for about an hour! With someone who had googled me before the date to make sure I wasn’t a serial killer, discovered what I had written about Jo Cox, and proceeded to regale me with vile Brexity takes on the murder. I do not really want to add anything to this other than to mention the bloke who replied to this – whose profile picture, inevitably, showed him and his beard on stage leaning at a thirty two degree angle while being ‘whimsical’ – saying “Oh ha ho!

Would you rather have a time machine that can only take you back to the 1973 wedding of Prince Anne and Mark Phillips or an invisibility cloak that glitches randomly at least once a minute, making you totally visible for a couple of second?If you found out that it was actually made out of wasp urine, and always had been, would it still be your favourite and would you carry on drinking it? In fact I did try using Emergency Questions on a date myself once, and you can find out what happened below – as this is a collection of highlights from those Twitter Emergency Questions, with new details that wouldn’t fit in the original character limit and links to all kinds of other interesting related bits and pieces.