Womb Raider [DVD]

Product Information

Oh, god. Scrotus is a gravel-voiced bald man with the world's fakest beard-and-moustache combination, a gravelly voice that sounds like it's taking a break from yelling "Next time, Gadget!" and—at least later on—bright gold eyeshadow, just in case anyone on Earth is still taking him seriously.

Aren't Zulu warriors extinct?" asks Dillon, failing history. But it turns out that there's a little more to it than that. Specifically, this "Zulu" warrior is immortal, so there's at least a 5% chance that Cara will have to think up some non-lesbian sex method for dealing with what is at least potentially a him. Well, that was a dreadful, dreadful movie. Despite being a 'parody', there are maybe four or five jokes scattered throughout the entire thing, and most of them both unintentional and in the Making Of documentary. Definite fail there. It's also deeply, deeply unsexy, with exactly no emotion or passion to speak of. As for the story? Words seem pointless, so let's just write it off with the sound 'Pfffffffft.' Cara soon meets up with Dillon, who passes the 'Eyes Up Here' test with flying colours, even when she poses in front of him to show off her 'native look'. As she puts on a spare t-shirt that he conveniently had waiting, he tells her that the co-ordinates for the next womb are just a short walk away.The two chat, and Scrotus tells Cara that he was the one who accidentally—BWAH HA HA—sent her father to his death. They were searching for three sacred 'wombs', and it's something of a relief to find out that the title refers to these small idols scattered around the world. It may be a painful attempt to squeeze a pun out of the title, but at least it's not quite as gynecological as it sounded. S druge strane, ovakve filmove ionako ne gledate zbog dijaloga, a ševe se svi, od Homera i Marge do McBaina. Na svu sreću, Lise i Barta nema. The final womb is in a cave, guarded by a conveniently invisible barrier and two gold-painted statues of naked women wielding swords and wearing... smiling unicorn masks? Okay. Whatever.

So, yes. Womb Raider. Awful, obviously but still a better experience than The Cradle of Life, if only in the same way that root canal surgery will always be less fun than merely finding a hair in your soup. Even if you then look up to see an oily, bald chef standing in the kitchen. Reaching into his pants. Jedna od najomiljenijih obitelji na svijetu također je doživjela porno makeover, a ako u obzir uzmemo trud koji scenaristi porno filmova ulažu u svoje dijaloge, budite sigurni da je boja likova jedina stvar koju su uspjeli pogoditi. Sve ostalo je užas. I know," Milla tells her, handing over a card. "Tha mezzage. Dr. Scrotus wanted me to give thiz to you." The eye-moistening sadness is soon broken by the arrival of Lara's irritating, innocent, blond-dyed assistant Dillon. He serves two roles in the movie—to go "Bwah?!" at anything sexy happening, in a way that really makes you wish they'd been able to afford flesh-eating tigers in this movie, and help provide clumsy exposition. Clumsy exposition like...

Přidat do filmotéky

Excellent," announces Cara. "According to Dr. Scrotus' map, the second womb idol is buried in a holy mud pit guarded by an ancient Zulu warrior." No, to samo govori da nije svatko stvoren za porno biznis jer ako u apsolutno svemu ne vidite potencijalni porno film, bavite se drugim poslom, budite računovođa. Natasha eagerly reaches for the prize, but that only activates the guards. They creep up behind, swords ready to strike, and in one case, breasts twitching oddly and horns... erect. First time writer/director Randolph Scott brings us this soft-core romp take off on the Angelina Jolie-helmed "Tomb Raider" franchise. The 'plot' as it were has Cara Loft (the hard-bodied and sexy Lauren Hays) on a mission to find three sacred artifacts scattered around the globe for the mysterious Dr. Scrotus. Because of some supremely atrocious dubbing, I recommend that you watch this with the mute on. It won't detract at all from the numerous lesbian couplings the film graces us with and your ears will thank you. This is a fairly solid soft-core film there will never win any awards, but gets the job done none the less. Plus it's STILL better than either of the (thus far) two Hollywood "Tomb Raider" films.