At Last A Life

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He was on the verge of ending it all until he looked at his daughter sleeping and a sudden realisation hit him. He finally realised he did have so much to live for and that even with his disability he could still enjoy life. He may not look like he did before but inside he felt like the same person, and that it was only the anger at his predicament that was changing his personality. One time I read on another forum for anxiety-induced insomnia a poster named “TomNTexas” who said something like “why do we take the advice of those who struggle with anxiety and insomnia? Why do we live our lives in a way that makes good sleep so important to us? Children have terrible sleep hygiene and they sleep like angels. They eat ice cream late into the evening while watching a scary movie and fall asleep like it was nothing. But we go through these convoluted steps in hopes of assuring us something like 5 solid hours of sleep? It doesn’t make sense. Approach it like the child does, which means make obtaining sleep LESS important.”

I am not avoiding now. I go everywhere and do everything that I used to do before I had anxiety, as you have suggested. I know that you’re probably wishing you were dealing with the same issues as last time because then it might be easier to deal with. I’ve thought the same thing when new symptoms have popped up. But it really truly doesn’t matter if it’s an old symptom, a new symptom, intrusive thoughts, depressive feelings, situational anxiety, etc. – at the end of the day, we just need to stop giving it all so much of our attention and live with it for as long as it’s there. But look at young kids. They have HORRIBLE ‘sleep hygiene’ behaviours and they sleep like angels. They’re up late, running around, fighting the urge to fall asleep and yet they drift off into peaceful slumber.This man went on to represent his country in the Paralympics and now does talks all over the country to those in similar situations. When I started to make decisions to change my relationship with anxiety/depression I began to think “what do people without anxiety do?”. So my brain is constantly on high alert (it feels like this) and I cannot stop thinking about this feeling of ‘uncertainty’ – a feeling like something bad is about to happen! It keeps me really away from normal living. I really try to accept and not overthink about this but in the end, I find myself doing so. And this feeling of dread and dizzyness/ foggy feeling in my head – or this lightness in my legs – somehow convince my brain that there is something wrong with me, and really I feel all the time this ‘feeling that there is something bad about to happen with me’.

When I arrived home I was pleased that I had taken that first step. I wouldn’t say I enjoyed it, as I didn’t, but I didn’t go to enjoy it, I went to regain my life. After that, I went out more often without demanding or expecting anything. How I felt was how I felt. I no longer had any interest in obsessing about it or trying to change it. My first test came when I was out cycling and had my wallet and phone stolen from my car. Apart from the financial cost, this was a major headache to me as it meant changing all my bank cards, getting a new driving licence and also the hassle of getting a new phone. But what if I relinquished all control and let those thoughts take me where they wanted to? I would close my eyes and almost envision that I was watching a movie play out. An incredibly nonsensical and sometimes tormenting movie…. but a movie nonetheless. That took the wind out of the sails of the thoughts more than trying to force happy, peaceful thoughts ever did. And most nights I would notice that I must have eventually dozed off because I was certainly waking up.All pills were discarded. No more dimming all of the lights in the house after 7 pm. I would use my computer late into the evening again. I would go out with my wife and friends again. I would have spicy foods for dinner and even a soda after 10 pm. All the things that I did prior to having any concerns about sleep. I needed to tell those immediate/automatic fearful thoughts that I was no longer going to heed their promptings.