Pillow Thoughts II: Healing the Heart

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The poems are sorted in groups I'd call chapters, but maybe there is a fancy term I don't know, but those are introduced by illustrations of a jellyfish and an owl, a combination I would never have thought of but that works quite well. Also, I like owls a lot, which is a plus. This particular collection speaks about when you’re translating from a place of hurt to a place of healing and love. I love the way this ‘series’ progressed in terms of themes. It’s nothing too heavy but is enough to uplift you. I keep wondering how sad do I have to be for someone to stop insisting everything is going to be fine?

I hope you know you are loved. I hope things get simpler for you, peaceful. Spend your days with easy breaths and soft words. You deserve light through your windowsill. I hope it comes your way soon. It will start with the big things, like their seat next to you at the family dinner table on Sunday evenings or their name next to yours on invitations. And then suddenly all the little things will fade too. You won’t remember the sound of their voice in the morning or how their hand felt in yours. You won’t remember all the tiny details of every date you had or all the conversations you shared late at night. And then one day someone will ask you their favourite colour, and you’ll hesitate. Sometimes sadness does not have a source. There is no immediate solution, no escape plan from its clutches. Instead you learn to coincide, as though sadness is an old friend who needs a gentle nudge in the right direction.It was especially perfect that I read this book during Pride Month as Courtney Peppernell is of the LGBTQIAP+ community and the poems about love and heartbreak reflect that. Well that book of poetry was quite the lovely read! Which is fitting, because it's all about love. Wanting love, having love, losing love. Wishing for love from afar, holding love tightly from up close, and all of the kinds in between. This book was done by sections, and each was lovelier than the last.

At first I thought I didn’t like it because I simply couldn’t relate to Peppernell’s writings. Maybe the poems in the chapter If you are heartbroken weren’t for me because I’m not heartbroken and the bits in If you are dreaming of someone didn’t leave a lasting impression on me because I’m not dreaming of anyone. But then again, I’ve read other poems and novels, listened to music, and watched films and television shows that I did love, even though I couldn’t personally relate to whatever it was they were about. I can still see the power and the beauty in things, even if they aren’t about something I’ve been through myself. But then they have to be meaningful and good, and (most of) the poems and prose in Pillow Thoughts weren’t. It’s midnight and I thought about Boarding a plane and meeting you in the city I thought about stitching you into my skin So you’d be with me as I slept I wish you were here Or I were there Because my heart caves in when I look at you And it feels like your hands twist around My rib cage And take the air from my lungs My head starts pounding And I just want to kiss you It’s midnight And I just want you The stars have died And left their light to you Remember this when You feel weak And worthless And blue I’ve made a funny little habit of parking out near the bay. I like to watch the planes take off, fly overhead and disappear into the clouds. I pretend I am up there too, on my way to see you.

Pillow Thoughts III: Mending the Mind is Courtney Peppernell's third installment to the Pillow Thoughts series of poetry collections. I've read volumes one and two previously. Volume one was amazing, but volume two was a bit of a letdown. So I was worried going into book three. However I am happy to report that this collection was just as great as the first one if not better! Pillow Thoughts is a book similar to Milk and Honey and The Sun and Her Flowers by Rupi Kaur. I read both of Kaur’s books and wasn’t the biggest fan (I rated them 3.5 and 3 stars), so it was a bit risky for me to choose a poetry and prose collection in the same style. And I’ll cut right to the chase: I didn’t care that much for Pillow Thoughts either. To summarize everything, Pillow Thoughts is a portfolio of generic content framed using totally obsolete structures. Structurally, it’s atrocious. Lyrically, it’s atrocious. Stylistically, it’s atrocious. Perhaps the only remotely positive thing I can say is that I am incredibly blessed to have received only a digital copy of this book; otherwise, had I been given a physical copy, I would have grieved for the trees that died and ultimately lost my shit altogether.

The Pillow Thoughts installment will always have a special place in my heart. It always seems to speak to me personally. I needed this and it reached me at the perfect time. If I had a list of all the things that still make me cry, some days you would be at the end and others the very start. You won’t remember, they say, when someone drifts away. One minute you are talking about life’s greatest adventures and listening to mixtapes on Monday afternoons, and the next their presence is replaced with silence: a fragile nonexistence with nothing else to lose. But I will always remember our drift. It took up all this space, like a planet with many moons. It was the year you forgot my birthday.It always gives me that perfect whimsical, hopeful vibe that is perfect to sleep to. Which is perfect considering the title. The poems are like my literal thoughts when I’m lying down on my bed and nearly about to sleep. Courtney Peppernell is a poet that I adore because of how well she can translate thoughts to something that everyone can read and relate to, no matter what it is really about. I found myself just smiling in certain parts <3 The bluntness of this is not all bad because it actually tells the readers straight up what the author thinks and feels. It does not sugarcoat anything, especially the topics here that really matters (loneliness, heartbreak). This is what I interpreted from it though. And that last poem. . . pure. Just, pure love. Truth be told, I can probably go on and on about how mediocre and embarrassing this literary monstrosity is because God knows I never thought I’d ever find a poetry book that I would end up loathing more than the collections written by Lang Leav. However, there are much more important things for me to accomplish than to waste so many words on a book that shouldn’t even warrant any positive attention. There is so much noise The city never sleeps And I long for just one day everything is so quiet You and I could hear the clouds move

The second is about mental illness, which was quite a jump from the first topic, and I wasn’t sure what to think at first. But I liked these poems quite a lot. The third section is about self-doubt and I thought this was the weaker one of the collection. It could have been combined with mental illness, I think. It feels like the universe closes in around us when you touch me. But the moment is so fleeting and you are gone again. Then it is just me with too much space. The universe is awfully large and I am awfully small and I wish you were here to close the space. It’s 3am and I am lying alone Because you just hung up the phone We’ve spent half the night arguing Because you’re there and I’m here But what else can we do I guess this is growing up When things don’t work out And you fight to hold on Until you realise that sometimes The only thing you have Is to keep moving on I am sorry we are in different states and towns I am sorry for that day I didn’t reply so you drove sixteen hours of dark highway We are breaking the whole world’s heart, all these lonely nights without each other Or maybe the world is slowly breaking us I’m sorry for all the days we’ve spent separately I’m sorry for all the time we cannot make up I’m sorry for being caught up in all your lonely I just wanted a place to stay I really have to say that the 2 and 3 part where cute and lovely but please don’t read the first one if you are mentally not that stabled.

I saw an angel once But she had lost her wings I saw an angel once She seemed broken of all things I saw an angel once And asked her why she was sad The angel looked at me and said “Because the world has gone mad” It felt as if the author was talking directly to me, as if she was sharing her thoughts with me in a very private manner, which of course every author does, but you don't get an intimate feeling every time you read a book. Who made you feel this way Like your heart’s too heavy And all its soft parts Are gone? Who made you feel Like this toxic thing Like no one Wants you And you don’t belong? Who made you feel Like your scars Aren’t beautiful And your baggage Isn’t worth carrying? Who made you feel Like you don’t Deserve everything And you aren’t Someone worth keeping? Just tell me where It all went wrong So I can make you feel Like you really belong