The Modern Loss Handbook: An Interactive Guide to Moving Through Grief and Building Your Resilience

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Because if Rebecca couldn’t have parents, dammit, she could at least have chocolate cake—not to mention friends who understood the particular nuances of going through profound loss way before they expected to. Rest assured we will return to our regular programming of thoughtful essays and in-depth interviews with notable humans. But first, thank you for allowing me to pause and appreciate a moment like this one alongside this community. They don’t come along all too often. Rebecca Soffer is cofounder of the Modern Loss community and author of “ The Modern Loss Handbook: An Interactive Guide to Moving Through Grief and Building Your Resilience.” If you have a performative role, like being a professor, maybe you could switch into a more administrative role for a period of time,” Soffer says. “That way you won’t feel so exposed.”

I thought it was so good and so useful, I bought two other copies. One for her mother and another for a friend who had lost her husband. Eric Meyerhas been a burger flipper, a college webmaster, an early blogger, and more. In 2006, he was inducted into the International Academy of Digital Arts and Sciences for his work to “inform excellence and efficiency on the Web.” He is CTO at Rebecca’s Gift, a non-profit established in honor and memory of his daughter, and co-founder of the interaction design conference An Event Apart. We are also, like many of you, deeply concerned that a medical recasting of the very human and universal experience of loss will adversely impact our society’s perception of how grief “should” be versus how it’s actually experienced. Surprisingly I noticed I was more aware of everything like the clarity and sweetness after a rain storm. Two years ago, in the first months of this seemingly interminable pandemic, I found myself holed up in my guest room/office/silent primal scream hideaway with little else to do than be in my own head over all the grief that seemed to be overflowing from all parts of society.

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If you are undergoing a loss that has shaken you to your core, the last thing you want to do is recount the event to a hundred different people. That is where a designated ‘point person’ can come in: Someone you trust, who can listen to whatever information you want to be known (and what you do not), and then do the disseminating for you. That saves you time, and emotional exhaustion, and helps you focus on the tasks at hand. ADVOCATE FOR YOURSELF AND OTHERS She had practical advice gained from personal experience and the stories of others. This book is filled with insights, practical and wise reflections on life, loss and people. It is written in a wonderful accessible style and even with humor. (yes humor... because that is a part of life and the pain of loss). Our belief is that grief is far too nuanced, textured, and dynamic to fit into a DSM diagnosis. To refer to this universal experience as pathological is unfortunate and implies that there is a “wrong” way to grieve. If the measure of our grief reflects the depth of our love or connection, then it is inaccurate and offensive to prescribe a time limit, whether enforced or implied. THE MODERN LOSS HANDBOOK is what author and Modern Loss cofounder Rebecca Soffer wished she had after her parents died. With wisdom gained from her own personal experience, expert advice, and insights from the global Modern Loss community, This book is for anyone who has lost their “person” or wants to give something meaningful and effective to someone who has. Rebecca’s warmth, wit and disarming humor make this an approachable and supportive companion at any stage of loss. This book offers direct, practical, and funny advice on how you can live a life without your special person. The author talks about how to honor their memory, deal with triggers, and manage your career and relationships. The author shares everything she learned from her own experience with grief and from the experts she worked with across the spectrum of wellness and therapy, mental health, suffering, the arc of loss, and the incredible members of the Modern Loss community. The handbook also includes prompts, projects, exercises, and different ways that will help people deal with loss on their own timeline and without judgment.

Can you imagine?” For a while, we had a pretty good excuse not to: We set off on this terrible adventure under an Administration that tried to convince us that we should not be afraid of this new virus, nor should we let it “dominate” our lives . The government tried to disconnect us from reality when reality was disconnecting us from the humans with whom we used to spend our days: co-workers, relatives, neighbors, the shop owner on the corner. For so long, we were physically separated from one another, trying to deal with our own “new normals,” which likely involved the addition of too many roles and the subtraction of others . Aside from glimpses on screens, we didn’t see the insides of other people’s homes. And so we didn’t see the people who inhabit those homes going through the motions of daily life after a loved one’s death. As Soffer tells it: “Life and death are intimately linked; this book will help you weave your grief into your life in a way that is practical, creative, comforting, provoking, a bit fun, and, finally, hopeful.” THE MODERN LOSS HANDBOOK is here to assist in building resilience and finding meaning: the ultimate goals in the wake of a loss. My son died summer of 2022. This book was gifted to me by Erica Mandy of The Newsworthy podcast after having the author on one of her episodes. I had commented saying how certain parts of their conversation had touched me as I was going through my grief. Relief came from finding camaraderie in others who had also experienced loss. She joined a support group in Manhattan for families of homicide victims and became involved with a national nonprofit dedicated to supporting family and friends of those who have died by violence.

The Modern Loss Handbook

Don’t think of grief as a wall to scale but rather as a wall to walk alongside - one you can decorate, too.” Another idea: Discuss with your boss a two- or three-month period that will not count towards your annual performance review. The messy truth about how grief touches every part of one’s life isn’t a traditional topic for the dinner table or a blog. It can make Americans in particular very uncomfortable, so we avoid it. Unfortunately, this avoidance leaves us ill-equipped to handle the death of a loved one, despite the fact that we will all face that loss in the fullness of time. I can’t imagine.” Families and individuals who have lost children, siblings, partners, and friends hear it all the time, this confession of an inability to imagine the worst, the unspeakable, the most feared event. I understand why people offer the phrase—as an earnest gesture of solace or a filler in lieu of anything else—but it rarely brings comfort. More often, the recipients are left feeling even more isolated at a time when grief has already banished them to a cold, dark place.

This year on Mother’s Day (May 8), social media tributes and corporate advertisements could sting (although as previously reported by TODAY Parents, businesses are steadily offering customers opt-out tools). If you’re struggling, Soffer offered these coping tips: Find a 'grief buddy'I am a psychiatrist and psychotherapist. I help people deal with life challenges; what they bring to it themselves and what life unfairly drops in their lap. So much loss at such a relatively young age un-tethered Rebecca. There were husbands yet to meet, puppies yet to adopt, and so many other miles yet to stone—but all of it would have to be done without her own parents’ guidance, along with dealing with the logistical aftermath of each of their deaths. Dear reader, it was bad. When faced with grief, we must be able to feel like we can revisit, redefine, and talk about it for the rest of our lives. Adapting to major loss is a shifting landscape that each person must navigate. But nobody can “do grief” alone. We need each other, precisely because to grieve is to be human, and to be human is to be in relation with others. What I finally realized was this: As completely unfair as it felt, absorbing my grief, figuring it out, and living with it were my responsibilities. Nobody else could do it for me,” states the author up-front, while promising to offer “no toxic positivity or suggestions that you find gratitude in everything.” Everyone will eventually experience the loss of someone meaningful, and the idea that they’re expected to “move on” because “it’s time,” isn’t realistic. What is? Talking about the stuff that society shies away from in public conversation and holding an ongoing space for our losses – because relationships don’t end when someone dies, and our own lives hold enormous potential for significance after a loss.