How Not to Hate Your Husband After Kids

Product Information

what Brene Brown tells me is her 'boundary mantra': choose discomfort over resentment. As she says, 'Ask yourself, 'Am I saying yes because it's more comfortable to say yes now, but I'll be more resentful at the end?'" (p235) Mental-health issues, which also are common in the prenatal and postnatal period, can introduce further challenges. Postnatal depression, for example, affects around one in four mothers and one in ten fathers. In Virginia, US, Erin always considered herself a busy, independent person with multiple hobbies and interests. One of the most important to her was fitness – she even worked with a personal trainer while pregnant. But after her son was born, that time and freedom to care for herself vanished. We talked about dividing and conquering but be sure that Mom doesn’t take over every single baby task. Inevitably, if mom is home with the baby more often, she’ll start to become the expert. But, there does not need to be an expert at diaper changing.

One of the most insidious and probably profoundly dangerous coping mechanisms that we have absolutely glommed on to as a culture is staying busy,” she tells me. “And the whole unconscious idea behind it is ‘If I stay busy enough, I will never know the truth of how absolutely pissed off I am, how resentful I am, how exhausted I am from juggling everything.” Verbally cherishing your wife with compliments, for example, is a good thing for her, good for Sylvie to see, and a good thing for Sylvie to expect from her guy or gal when she grows up.” But what, you ask, if your husband doesn’t want to do any domestic labor? What if he’s content to let you be the maker of the grocery lists and the keeper of the pediatrician appointments, summer camps, play dates and special laundry instructions? Then, Dunn, says, you are going to have to learn to ...A friend of mine recently said, about her husband and new baby girl, “He would take a bullet for this kid, but he might forget to put a hat on her.” Remember that social pipeline of information? He doesn’t have it, and if you don’t let him learn, you’re engaging in “maternal gatekeeping,” or keeping him from participating in the nitty-gritty of childcare. We’re only a generation or two away from the homemaker/breadwinner model,” she says. Every couple has to reinvent what’s right for them—a strict feminist model calls for a precise 50-50 split, but Dunn argues for what “feels equitable” to each couple. We assumed that we had worked out all of – or at least the majority of – the kinks in our relationship, and that we had a nice, solid foundation with which to build a family," she says. Mom, just get out of the house. Even if it is only for a half an hour, just leave. It is difficult for real me-time to happen while you’re in the same house as the baby.

Life is unpredictably short, and you and the person you have chosen to be with for the rest of your life are arguing about housework. It's not worth it." I'm absolutely going to have to buy this as a reference book. So many exercises and experiments to try! The ease with which couples can prioritse their relationships varies, however. Some may have time and means to access therapy or childcare help to spend alone time together, while others may not have the ability to do so regularly. Whatever way couples in conflict can nurture their relationships, though, Buehler says it's important to act as soon as possible. It shouldn’t be surprising that parenthood presents challenges to a partnership. For the vast majority of couples, what psychologists call “protective” relationship factors – such as communication, intimacy and time together – take a hit when a baby is born. Throw in stressors including sleep deprivation and financial anxiety, and it often can seem impossible for a couple to avoid more conflict or tension after having a child. It’s especially important to have boys lend a hand around the house. As mentioned, from an early age, boys in particular tend to assert their independence by refusing to do something they’ve been asked to do. A study by the educational children’s magazine Highlights found that 73 percent of girls reported that they had chores to do, while only 65 percent of boys did. Not only are girls more likely to be asked to help out at home, they are less likely to get paid: the national nonprofit Junior Achievement found that the pay gap between males and females starts squarely at home, with allowance: 67 percent of boys said that they received allowances, while just 59 percent of girls did. Similarly, a British study discovered that boys get paid 15 percent more for the same chores done by girls. Think about the message being given here: that when boys feed the dog or straighten their rooms, they deserve a reward, but girls are just “doing what comes naturally.” And when boys with female siblings see the grunt work being off-loaded onto their sisters, the effects can carry into midlife, according to a paper published in the Journal of Politics.”

Are we required to attend birthday parties of classmates my daughter barely knows? We are not. A helpful way to discern if the kids are actually close is to ask my six-year-old, 'Do you know this child's favorite color? How about their pet's name? How many teeth have they lost?' Good friends are in possession of this vital information." (p106) Find ways to get Dad involved and continue to encourage and reward his engagement with the baby. This means stop criticizing the way he dresses the baby, feeds the baby, or changes a diaper. Dad feeling competent is more important than the baby wearing coordinating outfits. When I'm counseling couples, I've noticed a pattern: if I ask a broad question like 'How are you doing?' or 'How was the week?' the husband always looks at the wife to see what she's going to say. So it's like men sort of expect that women are the ones who are taking the temperature in the relationship." (p45) Some couples can't recover from these conflicts, and find themselves splitting up ­– even when they've put in a lot of effort to salvage their relationships. Yet not all couples who have seen their marriages affected after having children are primed for permanent conflict or divorce. One major trigger, says Canada-based Holly, was their division of labour. Her partner did most of the household chores: cleaning, laundry, cooking. But she needed more help with the parenting itself. “I had an emergency C-section. My body was falling apart. I was feeding two babies 24/7, not sleeping. And if one of them was crying, he would be like, 'Oh, they just want you'", rather than stepping in, she says. "I had so much rage towards him."