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On inclusion: It was not inclusive of multiple genders and all the couples in the examples were cisgender straight couples (as most books are). Intervene immediately if anger escalates in a session. Redirect the outburst to you, away from the spouse, by engaging the angry person in dialogue. If the angry partner continues to escalate, stand between the two spouses and/or ask the receiving spouse to step out for a few moments. Simplifying the situation by having one partner leave enables tempers to deescalate and calm to return. If an angry spouse threatens to leave the session, agree, inviting him/her to return when s/he feels calmer. Thank him/her for demonstrating self-awareness and self-control. X Unwillingness to agree that verbal and physical violence are out-of-bounds, at home and in the therapy session.
High-Conflict Couple: A Dialectical Behavior Therapy The High-Conflict Couple: A Dialectical Behavior Therapy
Cummings, E. M., Goeke-Morey, M. C., & Papp, L. M. (2001). Couple conflict, children, and families: It’s not just you and me, babe. In A. Booth, A. C. Crouter, & M. Clements (Eds.), Couples in conflict (pp. 117–147). Mahwah: Lawrence Erlbaum. Audiotape the treatment sessions. Listening to the tape can be assigned as homework to accelerate and consolidate learning. Taping is contraindicated, however, if potential court involvement could result in the tapes being used as evidence detrimental to either participant. X Alternatively, serve as translator, converting provocative comments into better form. For instance, after an accusatory AYou don=t do your part in keeping up the house,@ pull your chair next to the speaker and reiterate for him/her, AI feel like I=m doing more than my share.@ X Insightful self-expression. Good spousal communicating involves expressing one=s own concerns and feelings instead of criticizing the other. Explain the difference between selfexpression and Acrossovers@ (my term for crossing the boundary between self and other by talking about what you think the other is thinking or feeling or telling them what to do). Practice self-expressive when-you=s (AWhen you left early, I felt rejected.@). Emphasize that the subject of a when-you is the pronoun I.Convert blame after upsets to apologies and learning. Teach the couple to piece together the puzzle of what happened, with each spouse describing his/her own feelings, thoughts, actions, and mistakes. Attribute the problem to a Amis-@, e.g., a misunderstanding, mistake, miscommunication. Guide apologies, with each spouse owning his part in the difficulties. Conclude with each having learned something that will help to prevent future similar upsets. What Defines Them: Stonewallers tend to shut down during a disagreement, refusing to cooperate, or even communicate. “Psychologically,” Walfish explains, “stonewalling is a defense used to preserve one’s ego, emotions, and self.” Fruzzetti is a leader in work with high-conflict couples and families. This much-awaited book provides an opportunity to learn his techniques and strategies, presented in his unique teaching style that is so effective. The book is a must for every DBT program as well as all those working within the field."
The High-Conflict Couple - Google Books
Have spouses talk with each other, not through you. High conflict couples need to learn to talk with each other when they have differences. To redirect comments when the partners are speaking to you instead of with each other, look at the listener rather than the speaker, or use a hand or head gesture to indicate that the partners are to talk each other. On the other hand, however, funneling the dialogue through you can be a way to de-escalate tensions when anger is escalating. Similarly, when a couple=s dialogue skills are poor or when you are running out of time in a session, having the spouses speak to you may speed up the conflict resolution process. What Defines Them: This dynamic is similar to the avoider in that they will always capitulate and admit that they’re wrong (even if they’re not). They are so afraid of being disliked or having someone be angry at them, that they will simply roll over and give in just to avoid another fight. X Prevent poor skills by prompting spouses before they speak. For example, to prompt effective listening, suggest, AWhat makes sense to you in what your spouse just said?@ Terminate therapy when the symptoms have been ameliorated, the conflicts resolved, and dialogue is consistently cooperative.George states: “ See, this is what I mean. I don’ t have a life partner; I don’ t have a teammate. This is so frustrating! ”
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