Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself

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So, the solution to this is the same thing. It's just a different person who has a different role in my life, but the lowering of standards for the sibling relationship is actually not healthy because what I want to be able to do is speak to a person I can trust. I'm not ending a relationship. I am not saying I will not see you at Thanksgiving. What I am saying is “I will not share certain information with this person based on how they share those things with other people. Please respect that.” And then when we finally set the boundary, the person is so offended because you’ve allowed them to do this thing forever. And now it seems like you're making this swift change when in actuality you've been upset for seven years. They just didn't know it. Also, your boundaries can shift over time, right? Karena pondasi itu pula, aku terbiasa mengatakan "tidak" & menyampaikan batasanku kepada kolega. Menolak pekerjaan yg melawan "moral compass" hingga menyatakan kalau nggak bisa "diganggu" di luar jam kerja memang terkesan arogan kalau nggak tahu cara menyampaikannya. Tapi, kalau kita nggak belajar buat "saying in the right tone", ya orang lain akan merasa bebas "to violate our boundaries." As we have mentioned, when you experience frequent major boundary violations, you may sometimes need to leave the relationship entirely. Tawwab believes that cutting people out should be a last resort—because it may not be possible to ever return to the relationship, you should only cut someone out when they leave you no other options.

In my work with domestic violence survivors, we had to strategise on what the best ways are to keep a survivor safe and yet allow them to regain some control over the situation, and the solutions that often come of that aren't perfect. I recall once that a mother had allowed herself to be shouted at daily rather than to take away her husband's alcohol because she knows that there will be an escalation of violence. So, in your first book Set Boundaries, Find Peace, one of the things that I found most interesting was just this idea that a lot of us feel guilty about setting boundaries because we think that there's somehow something rude about that. But there's plenty of ways to do it, to set a boundary in a way that is totally not rude at all and is in fact, a healthy thing to do. Like, aren't you your own cultural system? Like aren't you creating your own personal culture? Aren't you creating a culture within your immediate family? Don't we want to decide for ourselves what our lives could look like?

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Like your boundary at, you know, this point in life may not be your boundary in two years. So don't get so focused on “I must have this boundary forever”. It is a thing you can transition. And you know, certain people don't need certain boundaries. So there are some people who naturally understand some things, so don't think you have to have these hard conversations with everyone. You literally have, like, six questions that you should ask yourself before cutting off a toxic family member. Let's say someone's listening and they've kind of thought about it and they're like, “This person who's in my life is really challenging, and they're, and they don't seem to want to hear me when I draw boundaries, and they don't seem to be a person that I can be around in a healthy way.” How can the person then cut them off in a safe and healthy way for themselves, but then how can they also process the grief of losing someone? Because I think that can also be one of the real challenges of this.

I've certainly, you know, set boundaries in a very joking way, but it was serious. And I might even say like, “No. Hey, I'm serious. Call me before you come next time.” And it's possible sometimes to keep it light. So, be mindful of your tone. Be mindful of the place you're setting the boundary, the surroundings, but certainly have a little fun with it sometimes. Each time that that happens, when there's someone you're clearly setting a boundary with… “Don’t do this thing. This is how I want you to do whatever.” We look at them disrupting that boundary as it must be a crisis. That's why they showed up unannounced. It must be a crisis. That's why they're calling right now. The final step in the process of setting boundaries is reinforcing your boundaries through action. Specifically, Tawwab recommends that you restate your boundaries so that others know you’re serious, and set consequences for boundary violations. So what I've seen is people may say, you know, “I've asked so-and-so not to call me, you know, during my work hours, and they still call.” But this person is answering the phone. It's like, well, your behavioral boundary is saying it's okay to call and you're actually not busy. And so if you're actually busy, that behavior would look like maybe enforcing your boundary by not answering, since you've already said you're not available.You also talk really powerfully about how, how to and when to end a relationship or cut a relationship off? I would say pay attention to the things you complain most about. That person who stops by your desk for that super long chat. The, the person who doesn't seem to be listening as you're talking because they're distracted by their phone. So step one is to react a little faster because sometimes with boundaries, we'll let things go on for years. Yeah. Well, if you are processing a cutoff, I think finding support… So that support could be therapy, it could be conversations with family members that support the cutoff. It could be with friends or mentors or whoever you find to be within your support system, and it is hard, and it is sad. It is a grieving process because it is a loss. It’s a, a loss of a relationship that if the circumstances were different, you would've loved to have the relationship. Sometimes people's behaviors are so unhealthy that it is more harmful for you to be in a relationship with them. So if a person were to step away from that, it seems like a very offensive thing, but I think over time, cultures change. Like if we really think about it over time, cultures have changed. And I wonder who was the boundary setter to change some of the things in the culture. So it's not like boundaries haven't been a part of cultures, it's just like we don't wanna be the person to break up that cultural dynamic. Can you define enmeshment for us? Just ‘cause it's a term that I had never heard before I read your book.

Reading about boundaries with work and social media affected me more personally. I'm glad Glover Tawwab can't hear reader as they go... She missed a lot of me calling myself out for regular complaints I make yet have not done anything about. I'm also thankful the author's prose is never judgmental; her words inform but do not presume universal application. And for that, I would say allow it. It's okay to miss people. It's okay to be sad about not having them in your life. It's okay to wish that things were different, and you don't have to do anything about that. It's not anything you need to resolve. Over time, the, the loss will be less intense. Without healthy boundaries, we aren’t able to fully live the life we want to live. This empowering book provides a powerful road map for establishing expectations and personal limits so that you can live your life with the safety, respect, and self-actualization that you deserve.”Shortform note: While major and minor boundary violations differ in severity, minor violations can still cause serious harm, and should be taken seriously. For instance, while they may be minor compared to other forms of aggression, subtle racial remarks known as microaggressions can negatively impact the mental health of their targets. When you’re repeatedly subjected to microaggressions, you may become depressed and experience diminished cognitive function and productivity. Thus, these minor violations are worth setting boundaries around.) Joke aside, aku tergelitik bikin Reels bertemakan buku yg harus dibaca para bos boomers 😂 Dan aku akan memasukkan judul ini. According to Tawwab, a common pattern in friendships is that one person ends up providing more emotional support than they’re comfortable with. Naturally, people complain to their friends about relationships, family, and work, but sometimes, friends can get carried away and unload too many emotions on one another. Finally, manipulation involves using indirect methods to try to get what you want without directly communicating your boundaries. Often, Tawwab argues, manipulators try to use guilt to get other people to do what they want. Just like aggression, manipulation makes other people feel fearful and uncomfortable, and it may cause people to resent you or leave relationships with you. Because of this, manipulation ultimately isn’t a very useful communication tool.

In addition to helping you relate better to others, setting boundaries can also be a useful tool for self-improvement. Tawwab notes that by setting boundaries with yourself in areas such as finance, social media usage, and time management, you can break free from bad habits and begin forming new ones. Shortform note: In addition to the emotional benefits of rest, taking adequate time to de-stress has been shown to improve decision-making and general cognitive functioning. By taking time to rest after difficult conversations, you ensure that you’ll be your sharpest self for any follow-up conversations or future boundary-setting decisions.) Set Boundaries With YourselfFor example, suppose you set a boundary with a close friend, stating clearly that you can’t lend them money anymore. The next week, when you’re going to see a movie together, they ask to borrow a few dollars to buy popcorn with. While this mild boundary violation won’t put you out much, it’s still a violation and will likely still cause you some degree of annoyance. Major Violations Yeah, it's a verbal thing that we do. We say to people what we want, what we need, what we expect, what our rule is for ourself or the environment, the classroom, or whatever that is. And we also can behave as if we have a boundary. The behavior piece is sometimes the part that we struggle with the most because we think once we've said it, that the other person will take our boundary and now implement it, and it’s, it's really up to us to enforce it through the behavior. Yeah. Well, not every story has a happy ending. And that is really tough, right? Like, we do, like, this prescriptive, “if you do this, then blank.” You know, sometimes I get that with people who are grieving and they come to therapy and they're like, “I just want to feel better by next week.” It, it actually goes to a really big thing that I wanted to ask you about and talk to you about, which is you give this piece of advice that you cannot change people. However, you can ask that they honor your requests, and if they do not, then you have choices. So, when we sometimes can see the problems, and we want to be able to change the person, how? How do we do that? How do we actually put those into place? Yes. My biggest one is safety. So there are times in life where relationships are just unsafe. Sometimes physically, I've talked to adults who are being physically hit by their parents when they do something.